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Assorted Images

Images are very seductive. When paired with music, they can pull ones attention into a state of longing or wondering. One tries to find oneself within that illusion.

Moments that I tried to capture in projects are closely related to feelings I’ve either expirienced or refused to expirienced, in my daily life. When putting a frame around it, it becomes somewhat important. Or it should entertain, or be liked, inspire, or whatever. Truth is, filmmaking at that time when those projects were made, was for me a narcissitic endeavor. To stand out. To reveal reality as original as possible. Obviously, that’s naive.

When I realized the pettiness within my intension, I stopped. I rejected “artistic” filmmaking, as I rejected myself before that. Because no matter what I did. No matter if I was shooting on 35mm Kodak Film, using the latest Arri Camera, having professional actors, expirienced crew members, having studied where my idol David Lynch was studying, meeting Hollywood stars and being in the VIP rooms of Film Festivals…, I’ve always had the nagging feeling, something is not right. I’m not the name on my business card. Or the solely creator of a film project. I’m not like those directors I’ve looked up to. I’m not even agreeing with how they live and act in life. I’m not one of them. So, who am I, after I tried for 20 years to be a part of the filmindustry?

When being a kid, I’ve escaped into the world of movies. As a teenager and young adult, I’ve seen a huge amount of what we call “Film History”. I thought, I know it all. Life, I mean. The fact was, I was deluding myself with concepts of strangers. All those people who inspired me were clueless themselves, when doing their projects. I knew nothing about life, when I finished film school. My ambition was stronger, than the awarness of what’s happening right around me. Movies, meaning: “Illusions”, where what I’ve placed my best bet in life. Upon something that has no ground, no solidity. This became apparent when I needed to start earning money for living, with fiction.

However, when moving away from artistic experiments towards the “real world”, I’ve encountered the same delusions in others. This time it was easier to blame them for their naivity. I thought “I learned” and can see through the veil. The political world, which is nowadays the capitalist world view, is no different than Hollywood. In each section of life youth gets exploided by utopian idealism. In a similar sense like the audience, film enthausiasts are lured through promises of grandiosity by those so called “Realists”. When understoood, this insight turned me into a bitter person. So much so, that all I’ve did in my life. All the projects for which I’ve sacrificed my precious youth, became meaningless. I’ve lost it.

However, when facing death, I was asking myself what I regret in life. If all that I did, was really obsolete. To my suprise the answer was: “No.” It was exactly what I’ve needed to do. The ambition to create illusions for mankind was actually my personal way to come closer to the reality of life. Which is a celebration of whatever happens at the very moment. A celebration of awarness that constantly renews itself.

Movies are not about showing us how to live our lifes. Or inspire, or even worse, identify with a character, mental or emotional state. Movies are like life itself. A metaphor for consciousness, yet consciousness itself.

“The observer is the observed.

The music in this piece is from “The Perfume”, composed by Johnny Klimek, Reinhold Heil and Tom Tykwer.